How I Spent My Weekend

Saturday morning I woke up and went for a run.  It was unseasonably warm and I was overdressed.  I also did not adequately hydrate.  I ate 1/2 a banana with almond butter and went to meet my friend Jenna for a long-anticipated brunch at Prune.  We’d been waiting in the sun for nearly an hour when I started to lose vision.  I saw purple spots and felt nauseous, like I was going to faint.  I got some juice at the spot at the corner.  That helped a bit, but I was still going in and out of vision.  I felt like I wasn’t there, like I was watching a cartoon.  So Jenna put me into a cab, where I slowly regained vision, and we went back to my apartment (and still, I was so bummed about the brunch!).  Despite my nausea, we thought I should eat something.  So I ate the other 1/2 of the banana and Jenna bought us bacon, egg, and cheese sandwiches.  I drank some water and she left around 3.  I had a dinner date with my dad at 7 and plans to go out later so I decided to take a nap.  When I woke up at 5, I felt worse.  Dad and I decided to cancel sushi plans hang out on Sunday instead, and I canceled my plans for going out.  Thank god on all counts.  At around 6 (the time I was originally going to meet my dad for a drink at The Regency),  I threw up for the first time.  Then again nearly every hour till 10.  My dad came over at one point with ginger ale and gatorade and we watched the Georgetown basketball game.  Liquids were barely staying down.  I threw up again after he left.

The next day I woke up feeling woozy and slightly nauseous.  My dad came over around noon with a bagel that I spent all afternoon working on.  He hung out and watched more NCAA with me.  I’m sure I was great company ;)  He said he’d planned to spend the day with me anyway, so hey!  It really helped to have him there, just to have someone to hang out with and talk to.  I didn’t want to be alone.  And I was able to keep food down - hooray!

I didn’t go to school today.  Still feeling woozy/stomach unstable.  Didn’t want to risk it.  Instead I got to spend 3 hours at a clinic to see a doctor so I could have a note to show my principal.  All I wanted was to be in bed, but she requires doctors’ notes when we miss Mondays or Fridays.  Cunt.

I’m a real big baby when I’m sick.  Especially when it’s stomach-related.  This weekend, more than anything, I missed having the ex around.  When I’m sick, I really need to be taken care of.  And I have too much time to spend in my head.  But, I was lucky.  I had my father around.  And when he left, I still had my friends.  My girl Melissa came over after school today to sit and talk and order noodle soup with me.  And everyone has called to check up on me, my lovely little network of people.  It helps so much to have those friends, even when I’m not sick.  I think everything’s gonna be alright.

Oooh, what a little sunshine will dooo…

Thanks to all for your sweet comments.  It’s been rough.  It’s getting easier every day (so they tell me).

Last weekend I went to Florida for Mets Spring Training.  Best vacation ever.  Seriously.  Stefi and I went last year for the first time.  Since then, she started a Mets Blog - You Can’t Script Baseball.  We met up with a whole bunch of her blogger friends this time around and it was lots of fun.  The Mets won all 3 games I went to (even if they were not the best wins), I met some players, enjoyed the sunshine (even got a little burn), started running, eating, and sleeping again.  Course that hasn’t held up as well since I’ve been back in NYC, but what can you do.  I’m a work in progress.  Can’t wait till next year.  Or my next vacation!  I leave you with the girls of spring training.

Coop, Zoe, Stefi, Me!

I am in love…

with my friends. This past week, I have been dealing with an excruciating heartbreak. I don’t remember heartbreak feeling this bad. I can’t eat, sleep, function, breathe. It looks like I have lost someone I saw a real future with, someone I’d considered the love of my life, the only reason I’ve survived this winter thus far. And I’m falling apart. When you’re in a serious relationship, there’s the tendency to alienate your friends. Even though I swore I wouldn’t be that girl, I always found myself prioritizing the time I spent snuggled inside, being in love, to the time socializing with others. But, despite the way I’ve removed myself, in this past week I’ve realized, or maybe just rediscovered, how incredible my friends are. People have come out of the woodwork in ways I never would have expected them to. It’s remarkable the way my friends have stepped up when they know how much I need them right now. Even the ones who never supported/trusted this relationship from the start. They are surpassing the definition of “good friends.” They are my heroes. I am thankful right now for the people in my life who consistently love me and are there to hold me right now. For the people who are still helping to pick me up. In my last post, I mentioned being lucky. I think I am truly blessed.

Pieces on a February Morning

I started a new book the other day. One of the many I’m reading. Some people don’t understand how I can read more than one book at a time. I wouldn’t call it a skill; it’s more like an ADD. Plus being in a book club necessitates that I have at least one other book for my own personal pleasure – the two don’t necessarily coincide. Anyway, this book started with a quote, “A child needs your love most when he deserves it least.” This has stuck with me for nearly a week now. At first I read it and felt somewhat angry. It made me think of the kids I teach and how sometimes they are so incredibly infuriating that I don’t want to help them. Last week one of them flung a pencil at me that narrowly missed my face. I felt shaky all day, despite the fact that he was removed from my classroom. Then the quote made me sad for that very same reason. It made me feel like maybe I’m not giving them enough. It made me wonder if I take things in my own life for granted. Someone told me that I’m too sensitive to work this job. Maybe so. Anyhow, this book is about a parent, not a teacher. And although I’m not one yet, I grew up believing that parents loved unconditionally. I don’t know when that belief was shattered, but it’s extremely devastating to think so. I’m someone who loves openly and proudly. My family, friends, lovers. I wouldn’t say without condition, but I think that there are certain things you can overlook in the people you love. I’m sure there were times growing up when I was horrible to my parents but they still loved me. Because I was a part of them. And because of who I am as a person. I’ve always tried to look for the redeeming qualities in my students, as difficult as it can be sometimes. It’s always easier to forgive the ones you really love for their transgressions. I’m lucky, I have a lot of people I love, a lot of people who love me. My kids are lucky if their parents love them enough to send them to school with lunch for a field trip.

I’m on my February vacation right now. It’s easier to look at them with clear eyes through the distance. It’s easier to look at a lot of things.

I’ve spent much of this time thinking about my future. I’m no fortuneteller, but I know this job isn’t it. You all know this isn’t it. So much of it boils down to my own sensitivity. In every aspect of the job. My mother was a psychiatric social worker. I could never. So much for my hope and optimism. Someone once told me that the New York City Board of Education was declared a failure by the supreme court. One person can’t save the world. Or can they? I’ve applied to teaching jobs at other schools – private, high school, charter. I’m not sure that’s it either. I got an email about a food stylist. Maybe that’s it. Maybe I’ll leave the country when my job and my lease end in June. Run away somewhere without cold weather. Teach English in the Greek islands or learn how to surf in Hawaii. The fantasies are endless. Scratch that, the possibilities are endless.

I had drinks with an old friend last night. We went to preschool together. God, can you believe how long ago that was. We were friends for most of our childhoods and we reconnected when both of us first moved to the city. Every time we meet up, we ask ourselves why we don’t do it more often. I love friends like that. I need to see her more regularly. It’s funny when you disconnect from someone, only to discover that you’re still so similar. Last night, after rounds of conversation and Guiness, we ran outside the bar, in just our sweatshirts in the freezing cold to see the lunar eclipse. Amazing that you can see these things even in the brightly lit skies of the city. There won’t be another one until 2010. I never would have remembered. I’m so glad she did.

:)

I’d never had a real valentine’s day before.  Not that it was a  big deal, cheesy hallmark holiday and whatnot, but of course I’ve always wanted to do something.  One year when in a relationship, my boyfriend came over in the pouring rain for pizza and basketball.  He passingly said “oh, happy valentine’s day, I would have brought flowers but it’s raining.”  Meh.  Last year, I was deathly ill.  Justin came over with soup and we watched “Jesus Camp.”  Two days later I came to his apartment and he cooked me a lovely dinner that I still felt too sick to eat.  I finally had my first real Valentine’s Day this past Thursday.  Justin came over early to make me bacon wrapped shrimp and a lasagna - from scratch!  Sauce and everything.  Soooo delicious.  Then he surprised me with tickets to Fuerzabruta.  Oh my god.  I was agape for most of the show.  I’ve never done psychedelic drugs, but this felt close!  It was a really fun and lovely evening, the boy done good.

Then yesterday marked the last day of school before a much deserved February break!  Happy hour drinks with my co-workers, then Justin’s co-workers, and I am a spent girl today.  Very spent, but happy.

(please don’t) Lie to me

We are a world of liars.  Sometimes it’s easier than telling the truth.  Yes, you’re a talented writer, no you don’t look fat, of course I didn’t cheat on you, I would never go behind your back, no your job isn’t in jeopardy, lie lie lie lie….The one thing I hate most in the world is dishonesty.  Fuck me over, tell me I look fat, cheat on me, break my heart, give the job to someone else, just DON’T LIE TO ME!  And a white lie is still a lie.  I work in a pit of snakes.  I don’t trust anyone or anything in that building, not even people I consider friends.  I left film/media and thought I’d be leaving behind some of the snark and lies and bullshit.  Education is apparently worse.  Granted, it’s not smart to blindly have faith in other…but I miss being able to trust.

BARO-CAT - it’s what’s for breakfast…

That giant jug of white nastiness was what I had to drink in the morning before I had my catscan.  Took one hour for that stuff to be absorbed into my system - yucks.

So, yeah, I had my catscan.  No results yet, I feel a little bit like my doctor is dicking me around.  Not entirely a shocker.  I have to figure that if there were something seriously awful, they would have caught it immediately, right?  Thanks to everyone for your thoughtful comments on my previous post.  They were (and ARE) greatly appreciated.  Just gotta make it through the winter slump and then everything will be alright…

Why I haven’t been blogging

I haven’t been on this beast for a while now.  Mainly because things aren’t okay.  I’m not trying to be melodramatic, and don’t worry, the boyfriend’s still in the picture.  It’s just…things aren’t okay round here.  Most of it’s school.  This school year has been worse than my first year in District 75.  You would have thought that by my 3rd year teaching, things would be better?  But they’re not.  My principal has no respect for the team teaching program.  As a result, instead of having 8 special ed kids in a class of 20 (12 being general ed), we have 11 special ed and 9 gen ed.  And out of those gen ed kids, I can count 2 who DON’T have behavioral problems.  2 of them are being referred for IEPs (sped documentation), and the rest….oy.  My room has become a dangerous place.  Kids who were not violent are now becoming so because they see it around them.  Kids run out of my classroom regularly.  They’re in the wrong environment.  I’m in the wrong environment.  Today I cried in front of my kids after I failed at restraining a child and he was taken away by security.  This is not supposed to be my job.  Then my father called to tell me that my family cat (MY cat, the one I picked out as a 6th grade graduation present when I was 12) died today.  She had cancer.  She died in my mother’s arms at the vet.  Then he told me that my youngest sister wants to drop out of college (it’s only been 1 semester).  After that I had a urologist appointment.  Long story short, I was told to come in for an ultrasound on my kidneys and bladder.  He ended up also doing a highly invasive procedure that he had not mentioned, that involved going into my urethra to inspect my bladder.  My bladder was clear.  It cost me $1200.  It hurts to pee now.  Oh and I have to go get a catscan because the ultrasound (the procedure I went in for) revealed cysts on my bladder.  I’m 26 years old.  And I’m scared.  And I’m broken.  And I’m afraid to go in to work tomorrow, for both me and the kids.

Happy New Year

Hope everyone has had a happy holiday season, and onto the new year!  Best wishes to all and I’ll see you in the ‘08.

Tis the season

There is a part of me that enjoys this season. Mostly because I’m in NYC and I get to experience (in moderation) Rockefeller Center, the various holiday markets and other such holiday nonsense. I also like snuggling under the covers while the snow falls outside and drinking hot cider with bourbon. But after the holidays, the whole “winter” thing gets old and I grow weary. I definitely think I have Seasonal Affective Disorder, so when I don’t get warmth and sunlight, I start to get depressed. February is the worst. At least in December, the holiday cheer might be enough to get through the cold. So, speaking of holidays, here are some pictures from my Thanksgiving in Maryland.

sad and empty champagne flutes

hot turkey

(most of) the spread

full plate for a full belly!

PS - It also tis the season for giving presents. If you love me, check out my amazon wishlist or these websites for inspiration: www.charmedanddangerous.net, www.ericaweiner.com Channukah begins on Tuesday night!