I’m still alive…

I realized today, while running and thinking about various blogs to write, that I’ve been spending a lot more time thinking about blogging than actually blogging.  In fact, I’ve been terrible about it.  I’ve barely touched my food blog, this blog has been neglected for ages, I just haven’t been compelled to sit down and do it.  Once upon a time ago, when I had a secret blog (I mean, it’s still there, but not, you know, updated…) I would write several times a week.  I do miss writing.  I should do it more.  I will do it more.  I think it will help.

I’ve been stressed lately.  What else is new, right?  I’m going through a bit of a quarterlife crisis.  My lease is up at the end of June.  My job is also up at the end of June.  There is no way I will be caught dead in a classroom next year, so I’m left in this limbo - what am I going to do come July?  I’d like to stay in NYC for the summer, perhaps sublet a place, but after that?  I feel like maybe the universe is telling me that it’s time for something new.  We’ll see.

In other news, I’ve been dating again.  Not loving it.  Have met a few cool guys.  But this last thing kinda messed me up.  I’m in the rebounding process, but not quite there yet.  Fucking men giving me trust issues….

Going to Philly this weekend to see the Phillies v. Mets on Saturday.  Instead of Passover dinner at my uncle’s.  10 miles outside Philly.  Yeah.  But I will be attending Passover brunch the next day (hooray matzo brie) and night 2 at my parents’ place in DC.  And to think, I’d planned on inviting the ex to Passover.  As my people would say, oy!

Then I’m off to San Francisco for 4 fabulous days with Melissa, one of my oldest friends in the world.  It will be lots of excellent food, drink, a day of wine tastings in Napa, and a perfect getaway from life.  Is anyone else looking to run away?

Pieces on a February Morning

I started a new book the other day. One of the many I’m reading. Some people don’t understand how I can read more than one book at a time. I wouldn’t call it a skill; it’s more like an ADD. Plus being in a book club necessitates that I have at least one other book for my own personal pleasure – the two don’t necessarily coincide. Anyway, this book started with a quote, “A child needs your love most when he deserves it least.” This has stuck with me for nearly a week now. At first I read it and felt somewhat angry. It made me think of the kids I teach and how sometimes they are so incredibly infuriating that I don’t want to help them. Last week one of them flung a pencil at me that narrowly missed my face. I felt shaky all day, despite the fact that he was removed from my classroom. Then the quote made me sad for that very same reason. It made me feel like maybe I’m not giving them enough. It made me wonder if I take things in my own life for granted. Someone told me that I’m too sensitive to work this job. Maybe so. Anyhow, this book is about a parent, not a teacher. And although I’m not one yet, I grew up believing that parents loved unconditionally. I don’t know when that belief was shattered, but it’s extremely devastating to think so. I’m someone who loves openly and proudly. My family, friends, lovers. I wouldn’t say without condition, but I think that there are certain things you can overlook in the people you love. I’m sure there were times growing up when I was horrible to my parents but they still loved me. Because I was a part of them. And because of who I am as a person. I’ve always tried to look for the redeeming qualities in my students, as difficult as it can be sometimes. It’s always easier to forgive the ones you really love for their transgressions. I’m lucky, I have a lot of people I love, a lot of people who love me. My kids are lucky if their parents love them enough to send them to school with lunch for a field trip.

I’m on my February vacation right now. It’s easier to look at them with clear eyes through the distance. It’s easier to look at a lot of things.

I’ve spent much of this time thinking about my future. I’m no fortuneteller, but I know this job isn’t it. You all know this isn’t it. So much of it boils down to my own sensitivity. In every aspect of the job. My mother was a psychiatric social worker. I could never. So much for my hope and optimism. Someone once told me that the New York City Board of Education was declared a failure by the supreme court. One person can’t save the world. Or can they? I’ve applied to teaching jobs at other schools – private, high school, charter. I’m not sure that’s it either. I got an email about a food stylist. Maybe that’s it. Maybe I’ll leave the country when my job and my lease end in June. Run away somewhere without cold weather. Teach English in the Greek islands or learn how to surf in Hawaii. The fantasies are endless. Scratch that, the possibilities are endless.

I had drinks with an old friend last night. We went to preschool together. God, can you believe how long ago that was. We were friends for most of our childhoods and we reconnected when both of us first moved to the city. Every time we meet up, we ask ourselves why we don’t do it more often. I love friends like that. I need to see her more regularly. It’s funny when you disconnect from someone, only to discover that you’re still so similar. Last night, after rounds of conversation and Guiness, we ran outside the bar, in just our sweatshirts in the freezing cold to see the lunar eclipse. Amazing that you can see these things even in the brightly lit skies of the city. There won’t be another one until 2010. I never would have remembered. I’m so glad she did.

(please don’t) Lie to me

We are a world of liars.  Sometimes it’s easier than telling the truth.  Yes, you’re a talented writer, no you don’t look fat, of course I didn’t cheat on you, I would never go behind your back, no your job isn’t in jeopardy, lie lie lie lie….The one thing I hate most in the world is dishonesty.  Fuck me over, tell me I look fat, cheat on me, break my heart, give the job to someone else, just DON’T LIE TO ME!  And a white lie is still a lie.  I work in a pit of snakes.  I don’t trust anyone or anything in that building, not even people I consider friends.  I left film/media and thought I’d be leaving behind some of the snark and lies and bullshit.  Education is apparently worse.  Granted, it’s not smart to blindly have faith in other…but I miss being able to trust.

Why I haven’t been blogging

I haven’t been on this beast for a while now.  Mainly because things aren’t okay.  I’m not trying to be melodramatic, and don’t worry, the boyfriend’s still in the picture.  It’s just…things aren’t okay round here.  Most of it’s school.  This school year has been worse than my first year in District 75.  You would have thought that by my 3rd year teaching, things would be better?  But they’re not.  My principal has no respect for the team teaching program.  As a result, instead of having 8 special ed kids in a class of 20 (12 being general ed), we have 11 special ed and 9 gen ed.  And out of those gen ed kids, I can count 2 who DON’T have behavioral problems.  2 of them are being referred for IEPs (sped documentation), and the rest….oy.  My room has become a dangerous place.  Kids who were not violent are now becoming so because they see it around them.  Kids run out of my classroom regularly.  They’re in the wrong environment.  I’m in the wrong environment.  Today I cried in front of my kids after I failed at restraining a child and he was taken away by security.  This is not supposed to be my job.  Then my father called to tell me that my family cat (MY cat, the one I picked out as a 6th grade graduation present when I was 12) died today.  She had cancer.  She died in my mother’s arms at the vet.  Then he told me that my youngest sister wants to drop out of college (it’s only been 1 semester).  After that I had a urologist appointment.  Long story short, I was told to come in for an ultrasound on my kidneys and bladder.  He ended up also doing a highly invasive procedure that he had not mentioned, that involved going into my urethra to inspect my bladder.  My bladder was clear.  It cost me $1200.  It hurts to pee now.  Oh and I have to go get a catscan because the ultrasound (the procedure I went in for) revealed cysts on my bladder.  I’m 26 years old.  And I’m scared.  And I’m broken.  And I’m afraid to go in to work tomorrow, for both me and the kids.

Life is good…

I spent my Sunday on a boat. Did you?

PS- Did I mention that I love my co?

First Week

4 school days down, 182 to go…

I know it’s only been 1 week, and my school still sucks, but this year looks to be much better than the last.  For starters, my co-teacher is great.  She’s 20 years my senior (actually graduated from the same high school as me in Westchester, NY - a v. small school), total mom figure, but totally quirky in similar ways to myself.  She’s been teaching for 7 years, is great with the kids, and loves to cook.  She even brought me brownies yesterday.  Oh, plus she hates my co from last year almost as much as I do.  Huzzah!

Next, second graders are great.  They are funny and you can do so much more with them.  Of course, my school treats an inclusion classroom as a full-on special education setting, so all the kids in my room are problem children.  But they are not mean kids, and I think this will be a good year.  So long as they don’t stick any more children in my classroom, it’s tiny!

Lastly, this year will be good because I have friends at school!  It’s nice to be back at the same school, despite all the problems, because I know everyone.  It’s a more comfortable environment this year and I don’t have to start all over.  So things are good :)  Even though I already have my first cold of the school year!

Back to school, back to school…

…to prove to daddy that I’m not a fool!

Oh it’s back to school time.  I’m Ms. B again and not so happy about it.  But this year already looks to be better than the last.  I’m teaching second grade, my co-teacher is on top of her shit, and my class is (knock on wood) smaller!

I know I’ve been a terrible blogger lately, but I’ll get back in order soon.   Thanks to those who are still reading my jibber-jabber, I appreciate it

Free at last!

I’m free! School year is over and I have 2 months before I have to step into that building again!

I found out yesterday that my co-teacher had been badmouthing me, telling other people at my school that she “basically did all the teaching this year.” This is an unbelievable load of crap, and fortunately for me, these people know that. I wonder if she thinks this is a good way to make friends?

In the meanwhile, when I asked my class what their favorite things about Kindergarten were, each one mentioned something I’d taught of an initiative of mine. And I was smothered in hugs all day, while not one of them touched her. So maybe it’s a jealousy thing. C’est la vie.

Last night I celebrated by going to Ideya for delicious (if a little expensive) food and drinks with one of my best friends from college who was in town for work. It was wonderful to see her, she lives in Chicago now and is getting married next year. Is it just me, or is everyone getting married?

It’s good to be free in that way too! Free at last!

jibber jabber

Did anyone see last night’s Mets game? I’ve finally broken my losing streak! But how is it that I’ve only seen the 5th starting pitcher all season?

And has anyone seen the Mr. Roboto/Mr. Delgado music video during the “Xtra Innings Show?” I thought I’d dropped acid.

Anyway, 1 week from now I will be on a plane to London! Where I will spend approximately 5 hours before going to Brussels. Oh the decision to fly in and out of London. Big mistake. Huge.

But I digress, I’m getting nervous and excited for my trip. Looking forward to being done with school (tomorrow is the last day, and if I had to come in again I would probably quit), even though kindergarten graduation was the cutest. Some of my kids came to school in mini prom dresses and suits. And one came in shorts. So it goes. I think teaching second grade next year (I’m staying at my school) will be good for me. Less baby behavior, more actual learning.

The other night I was up till 2 am doing research and making notes for my trip. I booked my hostel in Brussels for the first night and am thinking of spending 3-4 days in Amsterdam. Has anyone been? Any suggestions? Anyone living in Amsterdam and want to offer me a place to crash?

Just call me master…