I’m still alive…

I realized today, while running and thinking about various blogs to write, that I’ve been spending a lot more time thinking about blogging than actually blogging.  In fact, I’ve been terrible about it.  I’ve barely touched my food blog, this blog has been neglected for ages, I just haven’t been compelled to sit down and do it.  Once upon a time ago, when I had a secret blog (I mean, it’s still there, but not, you know, updated…) I would write several times a week.  I do miss writing.  I should do it more.  I will do it more.  I think it will help.

I’ve been stressed lately.  What else is new, right?  I’m going through a bit of a quarterlife crisis.  My lease is up at the end of June.  My job is also up at the end of June.  There is no way I will be caught dead in a classroom next year, so I’m left in this limbo - what am I going to do come July?  I’d like to stay in NYC for the summer, perhaps sublet a place, but after that?  I feel like maybe the universe is telling me that it’s time for something new.  We’ll see.

In other news, I’ve been dating again.  Not loving it.  Have met a few cool guys.  But this last thing kinda messed me up.  I’m in the rebounding process, but not quite there yet.  Fucking men giving me trust issues….

Going to Philly this weekend to see the Phillies v. Mets on Saturday.  Instead of Passover dinner at my uncle’s.  10 miles outside Philly.  Yeah.  But I will be attending Passover brunch the next day (hooray matzo brie) and night 2 at my parents’ place in DC.  And to think, I’d planned on inviting the ex to Passover.  As my people would say, oy!

Then I’m off to San Francisco for 4 fabulous days with Melissa, one of my oldest friends in the world.  It will be lots of excellent food, drink, a day of wine tastings in Napa, and a perfect getaway from life.  Is anyone else looking to run away?

Oooh, what a little sunshine will dooo…

Thanks to all for your sweet comments.  It’s been rough.  It’s getting easier every day (so they tell me).

Last weekend I went to Florida for Mets Spring Training.  Best vacation ever.  Seriously.  Stefi and I went last year for the first time.  Since then, she started a Mets Blog - You Can’t Script Baseball.  We met up with a whole bunch of her blogger friends this time around and it was lots of fun.  The Mets won all 3 games I went to (even if they were not the best wins), I met some players, enjoyed the sunshine (even got a little burn), started running, eating, and sleeping again.  Course that hasn’t held up as well since I’ve been back in NYC, but what can you do.  I’m a work in progress.  Can’t wait till next year.  Or my next vacation!  I leave you with the girls of spring training.

Coop, Zoe, Stefi, Me!

I am in love…

with my friends. This past week, I have been dealing with an excruciating heartbreak. I don’t remember heartbreak feeling this bad. I can’t eat, sleep, function, breathe. It looks like I have lost someone I saw a real future with, someone I’d considered the love of my life, the only reason I’ve survived this winter thus far. And I’m falling apart. When you’re in a serious relationship, there’s the tendency to alienate your friends. Even though I swore I wouldn’t be that girl, I always found myself prioritizing the time I spent snuggled inside, being in love, to the time socializing with others. But, despite the way I’ve removed myself, in this past week I’ve realized, or maybe just rediscovered, how incredible my friends are. People have come out of the woodwork in ways I never would have expected them to. It’s remarkable the way my friends have stepped up when they know how much I need them right now. Even the ones who never supported/trusted this relationship from the start. They are surpassing the definition of “good friends.” They are my heroes. I am thankful right now for the people in my life who consistently love me and are there to hold me right now. For the people who are still helping to pick me up. In my last post, I mentioned being lucky. I think I am truly blessed.

Pieces on a February Morning

I started a new book the other day. One of the many I’m reading. Some people don’t understand how I can read more than one book at a time. I wouldn’t call it a skill; it’s more like an ADD. Plus being in a book club necessitates that I have at least one other book for my own personal pleasure – the two don’t necessarily coincide. Anyway, this book started with a quote, “A child needs your love most when he deserves it least.” This has stuck with me for nearly a week now. At first I read it and felt somewhat angry. It made me think of the kids I teach and how sometimes they are so incredibly infuriating that I don’t want to help them. Last week one of them flung a pencil at me that narrowly missed my face. I felt shaky all day, despite the fact that he was removed from my classroom. Then the quote made me sad for that very same reason. It made me feel like maybe I’m not giving them enough. It made me wonder if I take things in my own life for granted. Someone told me that I’m too sensitive to work this job. Maybe so. Anyhow, this book is about a parent, not a teacher. And although I’m not one yet, I grew up believing that parents loved unconditionally. I don’t know when that belief was shattered, but it’s extremely devastating to think so. I’m someone who loves openly and proudly. My family, friends, lovers. I wouldn’t say without condition, but I think that there are certain things you can overlook in the people you love. I’m sure there were times growing up when I was horrible to my parents but they still loved me. Because I was a part of them. And because of who I am as a person. I’ve always tried to look for the redeeming qualities in my students, as difficult as it can be sometimes. It’s always easier to forgive the ones you really love for their transgressions. I’m lucky, I have a lot of people I love, a lot of people who love me. My kids are lucky if their parents love them enough to send them to school with lunch for a field trip.

I’m on my February vacation right now. It’s easier to look at them with clear eyes through the distance. It’s easier to look at a lot of things.

I’ve spent much of this time thinking about my future. I’m no fortuneteller, but I know this job isn’t it. You all know this isn’t it. So much of it boils down to my own sensitivity. In every aspect of the job. My mother was a psychiatric social worker. I could never. So much for my hope and optimism. Someone once told me that the New York City Board of Education was declared a failure by the supreme court. One person can’t save the world. Or can they? I’ve applied to teaching jobs at other schools – private, high school, charter. I’m not sure that’s it either. I got an email about a food stylist. Maybe that’s it. Maybe I’ll leave the country when my job and my lease end in June. Run away somewhere without cold weather. Teach English in the Greek islands or learn how to surf in Hawaii. The fantasies are endless. Scratch that, the possibilities are endless.

I had drinks with an old friend last night. We went to preschool together. God, can you believe how long ago that was. We were friends for most of our childhoods and we reconnected when both of us first moved to the city. Every time we meet up, we ask ourselves why we don’t do it more often. I love friends like that. I need to see her more regularly. It’s funny when you disconnect from someone, only to discover that you’re still so similar. Last night, after rounds of conversation and Guiness, we ran outside the bar, in just our sweatshirts in the freezing cold to see the lunar eclipse. Amazing that you can see these things even in the brightly lit skies of the city. There won’t be another one until 2010. I never would have remembered. I’m so glad she did.

:)

I’d never had a real valentine’s day before.  Not that it was a  big deal, cheesy hallmark holiday and whatnot, but of course I’ve always wanted to do something.  One year when in a relationship, my boyfriend came over in the pouring rain for pizza and basketball.  He passingly said “oh, happy valentine’s day, I would have brought flowers but it’s raining.”  Meh.  Last year, I was deathly ill.  Justin came over with soup and we watched “Jesus Camp.”  Two days later I came to his apartment and he cooked me a lovely dinner that I still felt too sick to eat.  I finally had my first real Valentine’s Day this past Thursday.  Justin came over early to make me bacon wrapped shrimp and a lasagna - from scratch!  Sauce and everything.  Soooo delicious.  Then he surprised me with tickets to Fuerzabruta.  Oh my god.  I was agape for most of the show.  I’ve never done psychedelic drugs, but this felt close!  It was a really fun and lovely evening, the boy done good.

Then yesterday marked the last day of school before a much deserved February break!  Happy hour drinks with my co-workers, then Justin’s co-workers, and I am a spent girl today.  Very spent, but happy.