How I Spent My Weekend

Saturday morning I woke up and went for a run.  It was unseasonably warm and I was overdressed.  I also did not adequately hydrate.  I ate 1/2 a banana with almond butter and went to meet my friend Jenna for a long-anticipated brunch at Prune.  We’d been waiting in the sun for nearly an hour when I started to lose vision.  I saw purple spots and felt nauseous, like I was going to faint.  I got some juice at the spot at the corner.  That helped a bit, but I was still going in and out of vision.  I felt like I wasn’t there, like I was watching a cartoon.  So Jenna put me into a cab, where I slowly regained vision, and we went back to my apartment (and still, I was so bummed about the brunch!).  Despite my nausea, we thought I should eat something.  So I ate the other 1/2 of the banana and Jenna bought us bacon, egg, and cheese sandwiches.  I drank some water and she left around 3.  I had a dinner date with my dad at 7 and plans to go out later so I decided to take a nap.  When I woke up at 5, I felt worse.  Dad and I decided to cancel sushi plans hang out on Sunday instead, and I canceled my plans for going out.  Thank god on all counts.  At around 6 (the time I was originally going to meet my dad for a drink at The Regency),  I threw up for the first time.  Then again nearly every hour till 10.  My dad came over at one point with ginger ale and gatorade and we watched the Georgetown basketball game.  Liquids were barely staying down.  I threw up again after he left.

The next day I woke up feeling woozy and slightly nauseous.  My dad came over around noon with a bagel that I spent all afternoon working on.  He hung out and watched more NCAA with me.  I’m sure I was great company ;)  He said he’d planned to spend the day with me anyway, so hey!  It really helped to have him there, just to have someone to hang out with and talk to.  I didn’t want to be alone.  And I was able to keep food down - hooray!

I didn’t go to school today.  Still feeling woozy/stomach unstable.  Didn’t want to risk it.  Instead I got to spend 3 hours at a clinic to see a doctor so I could have a note to show my principal.  All I wanted was to be in bed, but she requires doctors’ notes when we miss Mondays or Fridays.  Cunt.

I’m a real big baby when I’m sick.  Especially when it’s stomach-related.  This weekend, more than anything, I missed having the ex around.  When I’m sick, I really need to be taken care of.  And I have too much time to spend in my head.  But, I was lucky.  I had my father around.  And when he left, I still had my friends.  My girl Melissa came over after school today to sit and talk and order noodle soup with me.  And everyone has called to check up on me, my lovely little network of people.  It helps so much to have those friends, even when I’m not sick.  I think everything’s gonna be alright.

Pieces on a February Morning

I started a new book the other day. One of the many I’m reading. Some people don’t understand how I can read more than one book at a time. I wouldn’t call it a skill; it’s more like an ADD. Plus being in a book club necessitates that I have at least one other book for my own personal pleasure – the two don’t necessarily coincide. Anyway, this book started with a quote, “A child needs your love most when he deserves it least.” This has stuck with me for nearly a week now. At first I read it and felt somewhat angry. It made me think of the kids I teach and how sometimes they are so incredibly infuriating that I don’t want to help them. Last week one of them flung a pencil at me that narrowly missed my face. I felt shaky all day, despite the fact that he was removed from my classroom. Then the quote made me sad for that very same reason. It made me feel like maybe I’m not giving them enough. It made me wonder if I take things in my own life for granted. Someone told me that I’m too sensitive to work this job. Maybe so. Anyhow, this book is about a parent, not a teacher. And although I’m not one yet, I grew up believing that parents loved unconditionally. I don’t know when that belief was shattered, but it’s extremely devastating to think so. I’m someone who loves openly and proudly. My family, friends, lovers. I wouldn’t say without condition, but I think that there are certain things you can overlook in the people you love. I’m sure there were times growing up when I was horrible to my parents but they still loved me. Because I was a part of them. And because of who I am as a person. I’ve always tried to look for the redeeming qualities in my students, as difficult as it can be sometimes. It’s always easier to forgive the ones you really love for their transgressions. I’m lucky, I have a lot of people I love, a lot of people who love me. My kids are lucky if their parents love them enough to send them to school with lunch for a field trip.

I’m on my February vacation right now. It’s easier to look at them with clear eyes through the distance. It’s easier to look at a lot of things.

I’ve spent much of this time thinking about my future. I’m no fortuneteller, but I know this job isn’t it. You all know this isn’t it. So much of it boils down to my own sensitivity. In every aspect of the job. My mother was a psychiatric social worker. I could never. So much for my hope and optimism. Someone once told me that the New York City Board of Education was declared a failure by the supreme court. One person can’t save the world. Or can they? I’ve applied to teaching jobs at other schools – private, high school, charter. I’m not sure that’s it either. I got an email about a food stylist. Maybe that’s it. Maybe I’ll leave the country when my job and my lease end in June. Run away somewhere without cold weather. Teach English in the Greek islands or learn how to surf in Hawaii. The fantasies are endless. Scratch that, the possibilities are endless.

I had drinks with an old friend last night. We went to preschool together. God, can you believe how long ago that was. We were friends for most of our childhoods and we reconnected when both of us first moved to the city. Every time we meet up, we ask ourselves why we don’t do it more often. I love friends like that. I need to see her more regularly. It’s funny when you disconnect from someone, only to discover that you’re still so similar. Last night, after rounds of conversation and Guiness, we ran outside the bar, in just our sweatshirts in the freezing cold to see the lunar eclipse. Amazing that you can see these things even in the brightly lit skies of the city. There won’t be another one until 2010. I never would have remembered. I’m so glad she did.

Why I haven’t been blogging

I haven’t been on this beast for a while now.  Mainly because things aren’t okay.  I’m not trying to be melodramatic, and don’t worry, the boyfriend’s still in the picture.  It’s just…things aren’t okay round here.  Most of it’s school.  This school year has been worse than my first year in District 75.  You would have thought that by my 3rd year teaching, things would be better?  But they’re not.  My principal has no respect for the team teaching program.  As a result, instead of having 8 special ed kids in a class of 20 (12 being general ed), we have 11 special ed and 9 gen ed.  And out of those gen ed kids, I can count 2 who DON’T have behavioral problems.  2 of them are being referred for IEPs (sped documentation), and the rest….oy.  My room has become a dangerous place.  Kids who were not violent are now becoming so because they see it around them.  Kids run out of my classroom regularly.  They’re in the wrong environment.  I’m in the wrong environment.  Today I cried in front of my kids after I failed at restraining a child and he was taken away by security.  This is not supposed to be my job.  Then my father called to tell me that my family cat (MY cat, the one I picked out as a 6th grade graduation present when I was 12) died today.  She had cancer.  She died in my mother’s arms at the vet.  Then he told me that my youngest sister wants to drop out of college (it’s only been 1 semester).  After that I had a urologist appointment.  Long story short, I was told to come in for an ultrasound on my kidneys and bladder.  He ended up also doing a highly invasive procedure that he had not mentioned, that involved going into my urethra to inspect my bladder.  My bladder was clear.  It cost me $1200.  It hurts to pee now.  Oh and I have to go get a catscan because the ultrasound (the procedure I went in for) revealed cysts on my bladder.  I’m 26 years old.  And I’m scared.  And I’m broken.  And I’m afraid to go in to work tomorrow, for both me and the kids.

Tis the season

There is a part of me that enjoys this season. Mostly because I’m in NYC and I get to experience (in moderation) Rockefeller Center, the various holiday markets and other such holiday nonsense. I also like snuggling under the covers while the snow falls outside and drinking hot cider with bourbon. But after the holidays, the whole “winter” thing gets old and I grow weary. I definitely think I have Seasonal Affective Disorder, so when I don’t get warmth and sunlight, I start to get depressed. February is the worst. At least in December, the holiday cheer might be enough to get through the cold. So, speaking of holidays, here are some pictures from my Thanksgiving in Maryland.

sad and empty champagne flutes

hot turkey

(most of) the spread

full plate for a full belly!

PS - It also tis the season for giving presents. If you love me, check out my amazon wishlist or these websites for inspiration: www.charmedanddangerous.net, www.ericaweiner.com Channukah begins on Tuesday night!

RIP Lilly

Last night I went to a flamenco show with a friend.  Immediately after leaving the show, my father called to tell me that our dog, Lilly, had died.

Lilly was about 16 years old and was truly the sweetest dog in the world.  She was a beautiful and loving English Springer Spaniel.  We got her when I was 10 and I remember holding her in my arms and debating over names.  However, she was quite old.  When our other dog, Sami, died last year, Lilly lost a best friend and was definitely affected by it.  She had also been going deaf and had problems controlling her bowel movements.  My mother was at a loss at what to do.  With the family moving to DC/Maryland this fall, she was worried that Lilly wouldn´t survive the move and yesterday had mentioned the possibility of putting her to sleep.

I think Lilly knew.  She had been spending a lot of time by the pool, (my mom says dogs gravitate towards water when they´re not well), and yesterday the housekeeper saw her floating in the deep end.  My sister jumped in to save her, but there was no water in her lungs so she didn´t drown.  She was just not well, and I guess it was her time.  To be honest, I haven´t entirely processed it yet.  It´s still very much a shock.  And even though I know it was probably for the better, like most things, that doesn´t make it any easier. 

Things ‘n stuff

First of all, in great news, welcome home Kaz!!! I finally got to pick my kitty up tonight, and am very relieved to have him back. I’ll have to closely monitor him for a few days, but he should be alright.

Last night I went to my first Hash run. Alice played a heavy role in getting me there, as I had been on their email list for a while. For those of you who don’t know, the Hash House Harriers are “drinkers with a running problem.” It’s a social run with a bunch of people. As the website says: The trail is set by another Hasher called the Hare. The Hare marks the trail in flour or chalk. Periodically the Hare ends the trail with a “check”, and starts the trail again somewhere nearby. The Hashers - called a Pack - try to find the continuation of the trail. The idea is that the fast r*nners will get to the check before the slower r*nners; will expend a lot of time and energy finding the continuation of the trail; this will allow the slower r*nners to catch up; and the whole pack - fast and slow - will finish the r*n at about the same time. There is an explanation conducted by the Hare of the marks used at the start of each r*n. The length of the trail varies from too short to too long. Forty-five minutes for a good r*n, one and a half hours for a lousy one.

Get it? Maybe? Basically it’s a bunch of people trying to find arrows, chasing each other through the streets of the city while almost getting killed by cars and trying not to knock people over in the process of getting to a bar. And it was great! The trail we went on was over six miles long - we started in Midtown, took us through Central Park, around and into the Ramble, past the Museum of Natural History, through the Boat Basin to the West Side Highway, up the stairs at Lincoln Center and ended at Circus in Hell’s Kitchen (where I was last seen wearing a sailor hat…). Water, beer, pizza and hazing were had by all. Good times.

And lastly, the Big Apple BBQ is this weekend. Who’s coming with me?

Sick Kitty

Some of you may know I have two cats - Kaz and Mo. They are the most amazing, sweet, friendly cats. On Saturday, I noticed that Kaz had been a little lethargic. He was laying around the apartment and was not very vocal. I assumed it must be the heat. When I came back later that night, DiAnne mentioned that he had been acting strange. I went to find him lying in my room. He was sprawled on his side, and he was soaking wet with urine. Upon closer examination, I noticed that there was blood in the urine. So we rushed him to the emergency room. They ran some tests and found abnormal results in his kidneys. So they kept him overnight for two nights, trying to normalize the levels. Then this morning there was a blockage that they had to remove through his urethra. Now my poor cat has a catheter in him until tomorrow, they have him for at least another night, and he has some sort of urinary tract infection. So send some well wishes for my poor baby!

Happy Mother’s Day!

Happy mother’s day to the best mommy ever. I love you mom!

Oh shit oh shit oh HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY!

Wednesday was Amanda’s 23rd birthday, and I totally forgot to put up a happy birthday blog post, so here it is!

Happy Birthday Amanda, I love you muchly!

(only appropriate that I’m putting the post up now as you sure are celebrating it this weeekend )