Pieces on a February Morning
I started a new book the other day. One of the many I’m reading. Some people don’t understand how I can read more than one book at a time. I wouldn’t call it a skill; it’s more like an ADD. Plus being in a book club necessitates that I have at least one other book for my own personal pleasure – the two don’t necessarily coincide. Anyway, this book started with a quote, “A child needs your love most when he deserves it least.” This has stuck with me for nearly a week now. At first I read it and felt somewhat angry. It made me think of the kids I teach and how sometimes they are so incredibly infuriating that I don’t want to help them. Last week one of them flung a pencil at me that narrowly missed my face. I felt shaky all day, despite the fact that he was removed from my classroom. Then the quote made me sad for that very same reason. It made me feel like maybe I’m not giving them enough. It made me wonder if I take things in my own life for granted. Someone told me that I’m too sensitive to work this job. Maybe so. Anyhow, this book is about a parent, not a teacher. And although I’m not one yet, I grew up believing that parents loved unconditionally. I don’t know when that belief was shattered, but it’s extremely devastating to think so. I’m someone who loves openly and proudly. My family, friends, lovers. I wouldn’t say without condition, but I think that there are certain things you can overlook in the people you love. I’m sure there were times growing up when I was horrible to my parents but they still loved me. Because I was a part of them. And because of who I am as a person. I’ve always tried to look for the redeeming qualities in my students, as difficult as it can be sometimes. It’s always easier to forgive the ones you really love for their transgressions. I’m lucky, I have a lot of people I love, a lot of people who love me. My kids are lucky if their parents love them enough to send them to school with lunch for a field trip.
I’m on my February vacation right now. It’s easier to look at them with clear eyes through the distance. It’s easier to look at a lot of things.
I’ve spent much of this time thinking about my future. I’m no fortuneteller, but I know this job isn’t it. You all know this isn’t it. So much of it boils down to my own sensitivity. In every aspect of the job. My mother was a psychiatric social worker. I could never. So much for my hope and optimism. Someone once told me that the New York City Board of Education was declared a failure by the supreme court. One person can’t save the world. Or can they? I’ve applied to teaching jobs at other schools – private, high school, charter. I’m not sure that’s it either. I got an email about a food stylist. Maybe that’s it. Maybe I’ll leave the country when my job and my lease end in June. Run away somewhere without cold weather. Teach English in the Greek islands or learn how to surf in Hawaii. The fantasies are endless. Scratch that, the possibilities are endless.
I had drinks with an old friend last night. We went to preschool together. God, can you believe how long ago that was. We were friends for most of our childhoods and we reconnected when both of us first moved to the city. Every time we meet up, we ask ourselves why we don’t do it more often. I love friends like that. I need to see her more regularly. It’s funny when you disconnect from someone, only to discover that you’re still so similar. Last night, after rounds of conversation and Guiness, we ran outside the bar, in just our sweatshirts in the freezing cold to see the lunar eclipse. Amazing that you can see these things even in the brightly lit skies of the city. There won’t be another one until 2010. I never would have remembered. I’m so glad she did.
February 21, 2008 at 1:58 pm
I tend to spend a lot of time these days thinking about possibilities and what the future will bring work-wise. I guess it’s inevitable when we are in a position we don’t really fit into. I hope things clear up for you. I’m sure they will!
I missed the eclipse… totally forgot about it : (
February 27, 2008 at 5:23 pm
I had that shocking revelation about parents not always loving unconditionally a few years ago. It was very upsetting. I always thought that somehow that instinct to *mother* (or in the case of same sex couples - to *father*) was more powerful than anything else in the world. Sadly, it isn’t always the case. And I’ve witnessed this in both the upper middle class and low income communities. Being a teacher is so emotionally and physically draining.
Your book sounds interesting. What’s it called? The quote kind of baffles me, though, maybe because I’m reading it out of context or because of the way it’s worded. Did the author preface it by saying that *all* children deserved to be loved?
Here’s a story for you. The other day a 3 year old boy spit in my face, looked in my eyes and said ‘F*&k you, Bitch!’. My first reaction was shock quickly followed by anger (though I’m still patting myself on the back for holding it in). Seconds later I realized this boy had absolutely no idea what those words meant. To him, it was no different than saying ‘Go Away!’ or ‘Leave Me Alone’. Oh, he understood that what he said was mean but the connotation of the specific words did not have the same complex meaning to his three year old brain than they did to my 29 year old one. He probably overheard it somewhere and realized that when he repeated it he got a reaction, which was no doubt his intention all along. Attention. Isn’t that what most children want, even if it is negative attention?
Also, having had experience teaching in both upper middle class and low income school districts, I find the private school kids more difficult. Often times their underlying issues are the same (lack of parental attention, boredom, anger) but I’ve found that the kids in private school live in a Manhattan where they are treated like adults at a very young age. As young as 4 they have after school lessons and activities of one kind or another, tutors, test prep, museum trips where they are left to wander the MOMA alone while their nannies ignore them, book lists, etc. So when I teach them (in an after school setting) they are more stressed out and tired than I am, which makes them irritable, bratty and often times straight up nasty and mean. I’ll never forget the time a six year old burst into tears at the end of my class. I went to talk to her (while the others were waiting for pick up) and I asked her what was wrong and she SOBBING “I don’t want to go home! I don’t want to go HOME!” I asked her why (note that this is taking place at 5:15PM) and she told me that when she went home she had to work with her math tutor for an hour (in 1st grade?!?) and then eat dinner and then pack because she *had* to go to LA with her family — they were pulling her out of school for a few days because her dad had some business thing and the nanny couldn’t stay or whatnot. She was so upset that she would fall behind in school (yup, in her 1st grade coursework) that she had literally induced herself into a full fledged panic attack.
This is all of course extremely generalizing of me, but I find that while my kids in the Bronx have attitude, undiagnosed learning disabilities, undiagnosed health issues, stressful family situations, citizenship status and whatnot, they have way more time to be kids. They see movies (both age appropriate and not), play outside, color, listen to music that they like (rather than only being exposed to Vivaldi during violin lessons) and have an innate sense of self and self confidence that I don’t always see in the average ‘Manhattan-ite child’. I dunno, either way, I think it’s tough to be a child in this day and age.
Travel is always a good thing and even if you decide to give teaching another year you have spring break and summer coming right up!
February 27, 2008 at 5:24 pm
I had that shocking revelation about parents not always loving unconditionally a few years ago. It was very upsetting. I always thought that somehow that instinct to *mother* (or in the case of same sex couples - to *father*) was more powerful than anything else in the world. Sadly, it isn’t always the case. And I’ve witnessed this in both the upper middle class and low income communities. Being a teacher is so emotionally and physically draining.
Your book sounds interesting. What’s it called? The quote kind of baffles me, though, maybe because I’m reading it out of context or because of the way it’s worded. Did the author preface it by saying that *all* children deserved to be loved?
Here’s a story for you. The other day a 3 year old boy spit in my face, looked in my eyes and said ‘F*&k you, Bitch!’. My first reaction was shock quickly followed by anger (though I’m still patting myself on the back for holding it in). Seconds later I realized this boy had absolutely no idea what those words meant. To him, it was no different than saying ‘Go Away!’ or ‘Leave Me Alone’. Oh, he understood that what he said was mean but the connotation of the specific words did not have the same complex meaning to his three year old brain than they did to my 29 year old one. He probably overheard it somewhere and realized that when he repeated it he got a reaction, which was no doubt his intention all along. Attention. Isn’t that what most children want, even if it is negative attention?
Also, having had experience teaching in both upper middle class and low income school districts, I find the private school kids more difficult. Often times their underlying issues are the same (lack of parental attention, boredom, anger) but I’ve found that the kids in private school live in a Manhattan where they are treated like adults at a very young age. As young as 4 they have after school lessons and activities of one kind or another, tutors, test prep, museum trips where they are left to wander the MOMA alone while their nannies ignore them, book lists, etc. So when I teach them (in an after school setting) they are more stressed out and tired than I am, which makes them irritable, bratty and often times straight up nasty and mean. I’ll never forget the time a six year old burst into tears at the end of my class. I went to talk to her (while the others were waiting for pick up) and I asked her what was wrong and she SOBBING “I don’t want to go home! I don’t want to go HOME!” I asked her why (note that this is taking place at 5:15PM) and she told me that when she went home she had to work with her math tutor for an hour (in 1st grade?!?) and then eat dinner and then pack because she *had* to go to LA with her family — they were pulling her out of school for a few days because her dad had some business thing and the nanny couldn’t stay or whatnot. She was so upset that she would fall behind in school (yup, in her 1st grade coursework) that she had literally induced herself into a full fledged panic attack.
This is all of course extremely generalizing of me, but I find that while my kids in the Bronx have attitude, undiagnosed learning disabilities, undiagnosed health issues, stressful family situations, citizenship status and whatnot, they have way more time to be kids. They see movies (both age appropriate and not), play outside, color, listen to music that they like (rather than only being exposed to Vivaldi during violin lessons) and have an innate sense of self and self confidence that I don’t always see in the average ‘Manhattan-ite child’. I dunno, either way, I think it’s tough to be a child in this day and age.
Travel is always a good thing and even if you decide to give teaching another year you have spring break and summer coming right up!