I am in love…

with my friends. This past week, I have been dealing with an excruciating heartbreak. I don’t remember heartbreak feeling this bad. I can’t eat, sleep, function, breathe. It looks like I have lost someone I saw a real future with, someone I’d considered the love of my life, the only reason I’ve survived this winter thus far. And I’m falling apart. When you’re in a serious relationship, there’s the tendency to alienate your friends. Even though I swore I wouldn’t be that girl, I always found myself prioritizing the time I spent snuggled inside, being in love, to the time socializing with others. But, despite the way I’ve removed myself, in this past week I’ve realized, or maybe just rediscovered, how incredible my friends are. People have come out of the woodwork in ways I never would have expected them to. It’s remarkable the way my friends have stepped up when they know how much I need them right now. Even the ones who never supported/trusted this relationship from the start. They are surpassing the definition of “good friends.” They are my heroes. I am thankful right now for the people in my life who consistently love me and are there to hold me right now. For the people who are still helping to pick me up. In my last post, I mentioned being lucky. I think I am truly blessed.

Pieces on a February Morning

I started a new book the other day. One of the many I’m reading. Some people don’t understand how I can read more than one book at a time. I wouldn’t call it a skill; it’s more like an ADD. Plus being in a book club necessitates that I have at least one other book for my own personal pleasure – the two don’t necessarily coincide. Anyway, this book started with a quote, “A child needs your love most when he deserves it least.” This has stuck with me for nearly a week now. At first I read it and felt somewhat angry. It made me think of the kids I teach and how sometimes they are so incredibly infuriating that I don’t want to help them. Last week one of them flung a pencil at me that narrowly missed my face. I felt shaky all day, despite the fact that he was removed from my classroom. Then the quote made me sad for that very same reason. It made me feel like maybe I’m not giving them enough. It made me wonder if I take things in my own life for granted. Someone told me that I’m too sensitive to work this job. Maybe so. Anyhow, this book is about a parent, not a teacher. And although I’m not one yet, I grew up believing that parents loved unconditionally. I don’t know when that belief was shattered, but it’s extremely devastating to think so. I’m someone who loves openly and proudly. My family, friends, lovers. I wouldn’t say without condition, but I think that there are certain things you can overlook in the people you love. I’m sure there were times growing up when I was horrible to my parents but they still loved me. Because I was a part of them. And because of who I am as a person. I’ve always tried to look for the redeeming qualities in my students, as difficult as it can be sometimes. It’s always easier to forgive the ones you really love for their transgressions. I’m lucky, I have a lot of people I love, a lot of people who love me. My kids are lucky if their parents love them enough to send them to school with lunch for a field trip.

I’m on my February vacation right now. It’s easier to look at them with clear eyes through the distance. It’s easier to look at a lot of things.

I’ve spent much of this time thinking about my future. I’m no fortuneteller, but I know this job isn’t it. You all know this isn’t it. So much of it boils down to my own sensitivity. In every aspect of the job. My mother was a psychiatric social worker. I could never. So much for my hope and optimism. Someone once told me that the New York City Board of Education was declared a failure by the supreme court. One person can’t save the world. Or can they? I’ve applied to teaching jobs at other schools – private, high school, charter. I’m not sure that’s it either. I got an email about a food stylist. Maybe that’s it. Maybe I’ll leave the country when my job and my lease end in June. Run away somewhere without cold weather. Teach English in the Greek islands or learn how to surf in Hawaii. The fantasies are endless. Scratch that, the possibilities are endless.

I had drinks with an old friend last night. We went to preschool together. God, can you believe how long ago that was. We were friends for most of our childhoods and we reconnected when both of us first moved to the city. Every time we meet up, we ask ourselves why we don’t do it more often. I love friends like that. I need to see her more regularly. It’s funny when you disconnect from someone, only to discover that you’re still so similar. Last night, after rounds of conversation and Guiness, we ran outside the bar, in just our sweatshirts in the freezing cold to see the lunar eclipse. Amazing that you can see these things even in the brightly lit skies of the city. There won’t be another one until 2010. I never would have remembered. I’m so glad she did.

:)

I’d never had a real valentine’s day before.  Not that it was a  big deal, cheesy hallmark holiday and whatnot, but of course I’ve always wanted to do something.  One year when in a relationship, my boyfriend came over in the pouring rain for pizza and basketball.  He passingly said “oh, happy valentine’s day, I would have brought flowers but it’s raining.”  Meh.  Last year, I was deathly ill.  Justin came over with soup and we watched “Jesus Camp.”  Two days later I came to his apartment and he cooked me a lovely dinner that I still felt too sick to eat.  I finally had my first real Valentine’s Day this past Thursday.  Justin came over early to make me bacon wrapped shrimp and a lasagna – from scratch!  Sauce and everything.  Soooo delicious.  Then he surprised me with tickets to Fuerzabruta.  Oh my god.  I was agape for most of the show.  I’ve never done psychedelic drugs, but this felt close!  It was a really fun and lovely evening, the boy done good.

Then yesterday marked the last day of school before a much deserved February break!  Happy hour drinks with my co-workers, then Justin’s co-workers, and I am a spent girl today.  Very spent, but happy.

(please don’t) Lie to me

We are a world of liars.  Sometimes it’s easier than telling the truth.  Yes, you’re a talented writer, no you don’t look fat, of course I didn’t cheat on you, I would never go behind your back, no your job isn’t in jeopardy, lie lie lie lie….The one thing I hate most in the world is dishonesty.  Fuck me over, tell me I look fat, cheat on me, break my heart, give the job to someone else, just DON’T LIE TO ME!  And a white lie is still a lie.  I work in a pit of snakes.  I don’t trust anyone or anything in that building, not even people I consider friends.  I left film/media and thought I’d be leaving behind some of the snark and lies and bullshit.  Education is apparently worse.  Granted, it’s not smart to blindly have faith in other…but I miss being able to trust.

BARO-CAT – it’s what’s for breakfast…

That giant jug of white nastiness was what I had to drink in the morning before I had my catscan.  Took one hour for that stuff to be absorbed into my system – yucks.

So, yeah, I had my catscan.  No results yet, I feel a little bit like my doctor is dicking me around.  Not entirely a shocker.  I have to figure that if there were something seriously awful, they would have caught it immediately, right?  Thanks to everyone for your thoughtful comments on my previous post.  They were (and ARE) greatly appreciated.  Just gotta make it through the winter slump and then everything will be alright…